admissions.

Waiting to find out is funny. There's all this energy that goes into trying not to think about what it would be like if I got the outcome I wanted, convincing myself that I don't really want it anyway, all these stern attempts to be realistic. All these ways I try to get control. There's all sorts of energy that goes into not talking about it, keeping semi-secrets, postponing sending certain emails until I have an answer. There is the idea that if I acknowledge it, I might create some kind of crazy cosmic coincidence and thereby protect myself from news I don't want to hear. Then I wonder if I might be risking something by even writing about it in the abstract. But it doesn't matter how hard I try to make this all scientific, how hard I try to avoid admitting what I might want. Sometimes I like to let my oh-so-vigilant guard down and imagine the answer being yes.